Heartbreak moments

This week was going to be our due date. We lost our baby at 12 weeks last July. It seems crazy to me, that this week could have been the start of our family. We could have been snuggling our baby for the first time and learning all there is to know about parenthood, and yet instead we are here, still empty arms and empty womb.

I've learned to thank God for what we have and try not to focus on what we lost, and what we don't have yet. I trust in Him, in His timeline, but that does not mean it doesn't come without heartbreak.

We all deal with heartbreak differently. I try to focus on other things to heal, allowing distractions to numb my pain. My husband tends to do the same, playing games and keeping busy with odd and ends around the house and farm. Idle hands are the devils playthings, as they say, so keeping busy and our minds occupied tends to be our saving grace lately. The funny thing with heartbreak is that it never really heals. It's something that can creep up on you out of the blue when you least expect it.

Today I ran into a parent of an old friend from high school, and she asked me when I was going to start popping out kids. This was a moment for me. Not because she asked, for I'm used to being asked that, but it was because I was so distracted by other things going on in the moment, that I had forgotten about our struggle for a while, until she asked. Then it hit me out of the blue, the heartbreak moment. Other times it's passing the baby section in the stores, or just seeing a newborn baby. These moments can pass quickly or ruin your whole day.

I've learned to handle the unexpected heartbreak moments a lot better than I use to. I can calmly reply to questions asked, and respectfully listen to their response, whether it be advice or tips or just the typically sorry. I used to handle the unexpected heartbreak moments terribly. I would be fine one moment and then bam!, out of the blue something would trigger my heartbreak. I would react bitterly, angrily, and rudely, just trying to cope with it for the moment, until I could get away and usually cry it out with my husband, and then in another instant, the guilt of my reaction would hit me and I would feel terrible all over again. Usually this would happen with friends or family.

Seeing my nieces and nephews all playing together would be a big hit for me, and still sometimes is. It isn't the jealously over my fertile sisters, but more of the reality that time is moving fast and with each day my nieces and nephews are growing up, and this means my future kids won't have cousins near their age to play with. This realization hurts. The reality that my future kids are missing out on all this fun cousin time is just so heartbreaking to me. My husband and I both grew up with our cousins being our first best friends and that is all I could pray for our future kids, but the sad reality is that our kids will be the younger odd balls, at least on my side of the family. Their cousins will be older than them, and that is just a fact we have to come to terms with. That doesn't mean that they won't be close to their cousins or aunts and uncles, it will just be different than what my husband and I grew up with, each having cousins the same age. The blessing is, that different is hardly ever bad. Just because our kids won't have the same childhood as we did growing up doesn't mean it won't be filled with unexpected blessings and be the exact childhood that our future kids need and God has planned for them. So although my dream of having a baby within months of all my sisters is long gone, because I can't demand them to have a 4th or 5th child just for me, I know that when God blesses us with our first baby someday our dream will still be coming true just as it should be, in His time.

So if you are struggling through your heartbreak moments, and dealing with guilt over your quick reactions, know that you are not alone. My husband use to have to remind me that I needed to forgive myself, just how I ask for forgiveness of others, for I was hurting, and sometimes heartbreaks can bring out the worse side of you. Be kind to yourself as you go through these struggles, and give yourself grace as you learn to handle your heartbreak moments. Do I still snap sometimes and make rude remarks out of hurt, yes! Does it still make me feel guilty afterwards for being a terrible sister, aunt, or friend? Absolutely! I have gotten much better over the years though, and can usually feel the heartbreak moments coming and remind myself to take control over my mind and start counting my blessings, so the anger of pain doesn't break free from my mouth! I usually do this by first finding my husband to look at, as he is my partner in this life and I know sometimes we share the same heartbreak moments and can give each other that smile, of I love you and we got this, it will be ok. What helps me in one moments doesn't necessarily help me in the next but as I learn to navigate the ups and downs of emotions that spring up out of the blue, I just keep trying my best and that is all you can do.

Heartbreak moments are the toughest part of our fertility struggle for me. I usually can start my day with a prayer of thanksgiving and feel like I can conquer the world, but all it takes is one moment to shatter my happy self. Learning to steer around these moments or handle them face on, is a normal part of the day. I hope that if you are in the same boat as my husband and I are, and are struggling too, you have found little ways to get through these heartbreak moments too.

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